Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven (Official Video)

If... then...

tomorrow i meet with the convened committee to determine whether or not i am fit to enter the congregation again. my third time. first baptized, second reinstated, now a third. i said that i would never return if ever i would be cast out again, and its interesting because now i know that my commitment is so very different from the way i viewed it before. it's not about being in or out, but rather the ultimate answer to life the universe and everything. no, not 42, unless you jest and yes, i think that's okay as long as we're talking the same language. meanwhile i see that the world is just one big universe of those who mostly have no clue, and a few people who are in the know. i finished battlestar galatica and wonder how different my life would have been to have watched it so many years ago with my friends. at the very same time i was losing myself to apathy. i am kara thrace. the stories i could tell could fill another series. alas, i'm happy to live for tonight and move into tomorrow and see what shall be. for none of these worldly, fleshly things matter. i'm a girl who isn't scared to die, and hopes to do so for the honor of her god. let your kingdom come...

i wanted to have children with him

11/28/08 i was in love just a few hours ago. and keeping a secret. i've never really had a pregnancy scare before. now i'm late. going on three days. a website lets you track your period, and therefore i know that i am VERY consistent.

stickel just left. i am a wreck. i think the clonazepam is taking affect. i feel calmer. i am trying hard not to reach out. to dan. to her. to her sister. i'm trying hard, but i feel so out of control. i went to take a pregnancy test, one that i had from when Nikki was pregnant, but it wasn't there. instead there was a plan b box in the container. it totally struck me. too far past to be able to do anything about it (and where did the plan b come from?!).

i was a coward. i didn't tell him straigh

History of Us

2/21/08

I can't believe how dizzy I feel. Almost delirious.

I started a project, I wanted to create a History of Us. A collection of the emails, texts, photos... artifacts of what have made up our memories. Our history.

I started with the email highlights, using that as the basis to build a timeline. There were such cute ones.

will

11/8/09 i wonder if i ever knew you.

i feel such the fool.

i loved you and believed you were the one. my only one. i never believed

the haunting

i just spent hours on the phone with micheal. i am grateful for him making me feel again. i thanked him.

Clonazepam

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it. Some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It's like you haven't recovered anything at all. You're a whole new person with a whole new life.—Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

suicide

i am writing because i hope that it relieves some of the despair and i will keep fantasy as just that.

i am thinking of the sharp knife in the kitchen. buying that knife in seattle gave me the only thing i own that i think i can kill myself with.

i imagine just sending him one last text. please tell my mother i love her, and see that my body makes it home to her.

i will climb in the bathtub, a warm bath, take the bottle of clonazepam. i googled it, apparently i can't overdose on it, but it would knock me into a stupor which would leave me the courage to die.

i don't know which is more humiliating, the betrayal, or being left to die in the mire he's left behind.

i've called him 15 times with no response. i am a wasted worthless woman.

i have attracted the same man to my side twice.

i lost both of them.

i wanted to love. i would forgive and love.

once i slept with a knife and feared dying.

now i will sleep in death with a knife, i fear living.

"Gordon"

9:35:37 PM Ang: I'll let Cap/Josie and Gordon know. I just wanted to be with close friends given circumstances, so not attending any of the rest of the parties. Join me at my place if you guys feel like it. Your birthday present will hold until your mood improves.

9:35:43 PM Ang: Remember, you are loved.

9:39:06 PM Tara: what are the given circumstances?

9:39:17 PM Ang: its not important

9:39:20 PM Ang: focus on yourself

9:39:39 PM Ang: i guess at the very least, it's thanksgiving. find what you're thankful for

9:40:04 PM Ang: this between a canadian who's already had hers, and a JW who doesn't have family nor know the celebration

9:40:12 PM Ang: but all irony aside, the point remains

9:42:36 PM Tara: i appreciate that you are saving my feelings, but what are you talking about? something happened with your family?

9:42:54 PM Ang: no not really that big of a deal.

9:42:57 PM Ang: Gordon just has a new girl

9:43:08 PM Ang: i've been waiting around for you to get done being mad so we could talk

9:43:22 PM Ang: or at least celebrate you

9:43:26 PM Tara: im not mad at you

9:43:32 PM Tara: im just mad at life right now

9:43:33 PM Ang: well i wouldn't be able to tell

9:43:39 PM Tara: but im getting over it

9:44:04 PM Tara: this must be a super new thing with Gordon

9:44:17 PM Ang: he met her last week on sunday

9:44:21 PM Ang: and i cried all weekend

9:44:39 PM Ang: i guess that's as new as it gets really

9:44:45 PM Ang: it doesn't matter

9:44:51 PM Tara: of course it does

9:45:03 PM Ang: no. it doesn't. because he doesn't want me to even call him.

9:45:08 PM Tara: regardless of your romantic involvment, you two are very close

9:45:19 PM Tara: oh, you must have had a falling out i dont know about

9:45:21 PM Ang: well i've spent the weekend in silence

9:45:30 PM Ang: brian so concerned he flew down last night to see me

9:45:44 PM Ang: i just wish everyone would TALK to each other

9:45:55 PM Ang: silence and going off into dark corners makes for very sad very disconnected people

9:46:01 PM Ang: this isn't doing anyone any good

9:46:39 PM Ang: Gordon took his time off these past several weeks, so when i call on friday so happy to announce that "i'm ready"

9:46:45 PM Ang: i realize he's done

9:46:59 PM Ang: i didn't just tell trammel about you

9:47:08 PM Ang: it was obvious from the conversation, it's natural course

9:47:15 PM Ang: because he was talking about removing people on twitter

9:47:17 PM Ang: and sean's post

9:47:38 PM Ang: and ironically now that tantek has no friends he's decided to bury the hatchet and say we can have brunch

9:47:49 PM Ang: everyone needs to stop being so fickle

9:47:50 PM Ang: and get with it

9:47:56 PM Ang: all we have is each other

9:48:09 PM Ang: or at least, that's the case for some of us

9:48:27 PM Ang: and maybe that's a selfish viewpoint, but it sure wouldn't hurt the world to imagine that we're all all we've got

9:48:47 PM Tara: for me at least, sometimes i just need space. so i can collect my thoughts.

9:48:56 PM Ang: well i don't know you well enough.

9:49:06 PM Ang: so i've spent the weekend believing i have lost all of my best friends

9:49:13 PM Ang: and feeling stupid for calling them "best" friends

9:49:16 PM Ang: except for brian

9:49:23 PM Ang: brian i can because i loved him for three years

9:49:27 PM Ang: but gone nonetheless

9:49:35 PM Ang: so i guess i'm hurt

9:49:47 PM Ang: don't just drop off the planet like that

9:49:50 PM Ang: tell me what you need better

9:50:02 PM Ang: i made Gordon mad because i didn't know how to walk away

9:50:11 PM Ang: and i was terrified of contacting you

9:50:13 PM Ang: but i needed someone

9:50:25 PM Ang: fuck it - life really sucks sometimes

9:50:30 PM Ang: and i'm not the kind of person to get all emotional

9:50:35 PM Ang: nor to ask for help

9:50:42 PM Ang: but it killed me

9:50:45 PM Ang: it's your birthday kid

9:50:53 PM Ang: and all i could feel is your pain

9:50:56 PM Ang: and your silence

9:51:00 PM Ang: and Gordon's anger

9:51:05 PM Ang: and my heart break

9:52:46 PM Tara: well i think it probably just came down to bad timing in so many ways. I have been very upset about a lot of things lately and they just got to the boiling point and I needed a break from the world. i wasn't unavailable, im just not on twitter. im sorry you felt like you couldn't talk to me....but I did respond to all your texts and such. most people have been contacting me by IM and text and email and Facebook.

9:53:15 PM Ang: you specifically sent me a text saying you were going off the grid for the weekend

9:53:25 PM Ang: when i recieved your decline for girls night i assume the weekend was extended

9:53:29 PM Tara: ya, for the weekend

9:53:31 PM Tara: no no

9:53:40 PM Tara: eva invited me and sean to dinner for my bday

9:53:54 PM Ang: after being so very harshly rebuked by the person that means the most in the world to me (and apparently doesn't know/believe that) i wasn't going to take a chance on pissing you off

9:54:00 PM Tara: there isn't a comments thing when you decline an invite.

9:54:13 PM Ang: see this is why people need to talk

9:54:40 PM Ang: i'm not upset that you declined but rather had nothing else to go by as a sign of whether or not the tara whiteflag had been raised

9:54:57 PM Tara: sorry. i should have sent you a note to tell you why i couldn't make it

9:55:21 PM Ang: no. don't be sorry. just know that i've been so concerned. and hopeful that i didn't make your "not true friends" list

9:55:32 PM Tara: ha. no

9:55:33 PM Ang: you and Gordon are all that i've built here

9:55:39 PM Ang: and half of that is gone

9:56:01 PM Ang: actually you both decided you wanted time and space on friday

9:56:06 PM Tara: Gordon isn't gone, he is just figuring stuff out. you guys will have to figure out how you are going to be going forward if you are both dating others

9:56:17 PM Ang: he said he doesn't want to date multiple people

9:56:20 PM Ang: he's dating "her"

9:56:33 PM Ang: i pretty much went psycho

9:56:37 PM Ang: as evidenced by my blog

9:56:46 PM Ang: and all the IM's, emails and DM's i sent him privately

9:57:00 PM Ang: and showing up at 3am to proclaim i believed in love and would fight for him

9:57:13 PM Ang: he told me in no uncertain terms that it was over

9:57:21 PM Ang: he didn't have feelings for me anymore

9:58:00 PM Ang: he fell for her on sunday, fucked me on wednesday (and left), and i realized that there was someone else on friday while nursing him to health

9:58:37 PM Ang: ironic. because i had finally by thursday cleared all the dating/sex karma away

9:58:41 PM Ang: i'm not sleeping with anyone

9:58:45 PM Ang: and even brian seems to get that

9:59:15 PM Tara: perhaps thats a good thing

9:59:20 PM Ang: what is?

9:59:22 PM Tara: start fresh

9:59:28 PM Tara: have a good break from boys and sex

9:59:37 PM Tara: go to italy

9:59:39 PM Ang: i am in love with Gordon

9:59:39 PM Tara: have fun

9:59:42 PM Tara: oh

9:59:43 PM Ang: there is no starting fresh

9:59:47 PM Tara: oh i see

9:59:58 PM Ang: i have been

10:00:03 PM Ang: i thought you knew this

10:00:15 PM Ang: i couldn't dishonor him by being with him while i was trying to figure out fidelity

10:00:24 PM Tara: well i thought you were figuring it out still

10:00:25 PM Ang: being == dating him publically

10:00:28 PM Ang: so did i

10:00:34 PM Ang: see what not talking gets you?

10:00:40 PM Ang: i respect his space and he shuts me off

10:01:06 PM Ang: i was so excited to see him wednesday at Mighty

10:01:18 PM Ang: but i tried to stay "cool" because he hadn't given me the "go ahead" sign

10:01:31 PM Ang: i don't know

10:01:34 PM Ang: it doesn't matter

10:01:42 PM Ang: i'm sorry

10:01:46 PM Ang: i didn't mean to dump this on you

10:02:00 PM Ang: i guess i'm just spilling because you're the only one who comes close to knowing how i feel

10:02:12 PM Ang: and even you don't because i masked it all behind a brave face

10:02:16 PM Ang: casual

10:02:17 PM Ang: whatever

10:02:25 PM Ang: fear masked

10:02:29 PM Ang: i wasn't good enough

10:02:30 PM Ang: now i am

10:02:35 PM Ang: but he doesn't want me anymore

10:02:51 PM Ang: i can't believe i missed the whole point

10:02:55 PM Ang: he loved me just as i was

10:03:45 PM Tara: Well, I know that you care for him deeply. That being said, there were aspects to Gordon that you were struggling with. Did you decide that they could be overlooked?

10:04:41 PM Ang: it took me a bit to grow used to loving Gordon, because he stood in stark contrast to what i've known, to what i most recently loved.

10:04:50 PM Ang: i feared that contrast and feared that it wasn't "true"

10:04:56 PM Ang: that i was in love with an idea

10:05:02 PM Ang: or with how he treated me, but not him

10:05:13 PM Ang: i used excuses to keep a distance from him

10:05:21 PM Ang: things to help me rationalize why we shouldn't be

10:05:32 PM Tara: i see

10:05:36 PM Ang: all cycling around that he is an amazing and thoughtful and kind person

10:05:40 PM Ang: who didn't deserve a mess

10:05:49 PM Ang: i carried with me the baggage of brian

10:05:59 PM Ang: him constantly feeling as though i had or would cheat on him

10:06:02 PM Ang: i never did

10:06:04 PM Ang: i never would

10:06:07 PM Ang: but i started to believe that

10:06:25 PM Ang: that's why when i met Gordon, and i actually knew at that time that i would be a free woman soon

10:06:33 PM Ang: (and might have already been i need to check the date)

10:06:37 PM Ang: i didn't pursue

10:06:42 PM Ang: i didn't start anything

10:06:49 PM Ang: i did give him my number, but i told him that i had a boyfriend

10:07:07 PM Ang: then in between i forgot about that guy with the amazing smile, and sparkly blue eyes

10:07:28 PM Ang: when i got here, and he started to pursue i was filled with so much fear

10:07:40 PM Ang: in seattle i had started my "get it out of my system" quest

10:07:49 PM Ang: to prove that sex doesn't matter if it isn't tied to love

10:07:53 PM Ang: and i've learned so much

10:08:00 PM Ang: and i proved to myself, without a doubt

10:08:07 PM Ang: that i only want to be with one person

10:08:12 PM Ang: that's what i've always believed

10:08:24 PM Ang: but now i know

10:08:31 PM Ang: because i always wanted Gordon

10:08:37 PM Ang: i wouldn't know this if it weren't for him

10:08:52 PM Ang: its ironic that how we've come to be is the only course that seems to have cleared up that thought

10:09:02 PM Ang: but it's also the course that's caused me to lose him

10:09:10 PM Ang: what i've told him is different than what you've heard

10:09:17 PM Ang: because i'm terrified of being the fool

10:09:25 PM Ang: of

10:09:29 PM Ang: "falling in love too fast"

10:09:34 PM Ang: but then you guys happened

10:09:42 PM Ang: but he'd already stepped away from me

10:09:42 PM Tara: you started feeling this way before he told you that he is seeing someone?

10:09:50 PM Ang: it's been this way for quite a while

10:09:58 PM Ang: the only point is that i was still trying to clean up my mess

10:10:02 PM Ang: i've talked to every boy

10:10:08 PM Ang: spent time alone

10:10:13 PM Ang: thought about what i really want

10:10:24 PM Ang: i respected a "fresh start" because that's what i really wanted too

10:10:30 PM Ang: i don't know how he never viewed me as whore

10:10:41 PM Ang: but i don't want the father of my children to think of their mother that way

10:10:45 PM Ang: you know?

10:10:48 PM Ang: i wanted to be good enough

10:10:57 PM Ang: i wanted to be "pure"

10:11:31 PM Ang: Gordon and i talked about portions of this, but i didn't really figure it out clearly until after this night that the two of us layed on his floor and i had a crazy reaction

10:11:39 PM Ang: and seeing stephen helped

10:11:47 PM Ang: and i needed to have the end with brian

10:11:52 PM Ang: the end being brian really getting it

10:11:58 PM Ang: which i don't think he did until last night

10:12:12 PM Ang: last night he hugged me because my heart was broken for someone else

10:12:19 PM Ang: i told him all of this stuff

10:12:27 PM Ang: about how much i carried with me from our relationship

10:12:30 PM Ang: and how it's led me here

10:12:45 PM Tara: wow

10:12:51 PM Ang: i feel like i failed though

10:12:54 PM Tara: that is quite the spiritual journey

10:12:57 PM Ang: Gordon waited so long

10:13:04 PM Ang: i had no idea he wouldn't make the last week

10:13:11 PM Ang: i thought we had an understanding

10:13:22 PM Ang: that after brian came then i would be ready

10:13:35 PM Ang: i felt like i owed brian a weekend to really understand

10:13:44 PM Ang: respect for the length of our relationship

10:14:00 PM Ang: i didn't want to lose our friendship because he wouldn't get it all the way from seattle

10:14:05 PM Ang: and never see him again because of his pride

10:14:09 PM Ang: he was such a dick

10:14:13 PM Ang: and i took a week to recover

10:14:19 PM Ang: but now even he's good

10:14:23 PM Ang: but it's all too late

10:14:34 PM Ang: what's worse is that i have no plans

10:14:46 PM Ang: i literally made no plans for anything because i was going to be with Gordon

10:15:09 PM Ang: i'm here for thanksgiving because he wanted us to stay in town for Tramsgiving

10:15:25 PM Ang: and Tram is doing the off the grid thing i imagine - no Tramsgiving

10:15:34 PM Ang: we were supposed to be in NC

10:15:37 PM Ang: him meeting my sister

10:15:43 PM Ang: and my nieces

10:15:46 PM Ang: which kills me

10:15:49 PM Ang: because he wants kids

10:15:56 PM Ang: and i wanted him to see my family

10:16:07 PM Ang: the other night i even told him about our children

10:16:10 PM Ang: they are in rosetta stone

10:16:17 PM Ang: two blonde kids

10:16:20 PM Ang: a boy and a girl

10:16:23 PM Ang: i know i sound crazy

10:16:35 PM Ang: but that was me

10:16:39 PM Ang: and now i'm so lost

10:16:44 PM Ang: i don't even know how to understand all this

10:16:56 PM Ang: i told you about asking him to move in, didn't i?

10:17:01 PM Tara: no

10:17:03 PM Ang: i did

10:17:06 PM Ang: several weeks ago

10:17:13 PM Tara: oh wow

10:17:19 PM Tara: what did he say?

10:17:24 PM Ang: he was shocked

10:17:28 PM Ang: i didn't go about it the best way

10:17:32 PM Ang: i was way too practical

10:17:33 PM Ang: again me

10:17:35 PM Ang: you know

10:17:45 PM Ang: easier to reason out why it's a good idea

10:17:48 PM Ang: finanically and stuff

10:17:57 PM Ang: than to be able to grapple with the big hugeness of the step

10:18:01 PM Ang: i've never lived with anyone

10:18:07 PM Ang: i've dated several people for 3+ years

10:18:10 PM Ang: and never even considered it

10:18:18 PM Ang: but i love being next to him

10:18:46 PM Ang: we had some tough times in the past couple months while we essentially lived together

10:18:52 PM Ang: but nothing that we couldn't/didn't learn from

10:18:56 PM Ang: or at least i know the mistake

10:18:57 PM Ang: s

10:19:06 PM Ang: i need to have a car so i can get things done on the weekend

10:19:10 PM Ang: while he likes to do nothing on the weekend

10:19:29 PM Ang: and he loves to watch his "violence" while i don't really like seeing it

10:19:49 PM Ang: and because i didn't have the car usually i couldn't get away as much

10:19:57 PM Ang: so we spent a bit more time together than we should have

10:20:14 PM Ang: but still, i now know i could be stuck on an island with him the rest of my life and not eat him out of annoyance

10:20:22 PM Ang: :)

10:20:25 PM Ang: that was a joke

10:20:33 PM Tara: haha

10:20:33 PM Ang: i'm feeling better

10:20:37 PM Ang: some what

10:20:43 PM Ang: the hardest part is that i asked him one question

10:20:48 PM Ang: i mean i asked him a million

10:20:53 PM Ang: but i asked only one that really mattered

10:21:09 PM Ang: i asked him if he knew that i *was* going to wrap him in my love on (this past) friday

10:21:11 PM Ang: he said no

10:21:31 PM Ang: i had the whole weekend planned, daydream style in my head

10:21:50 PM Ang: we don't make big concrete plans, but the general idea is a common one that we've had for all these weekends together

10:21:56 PM Ang: movie and popcorn on the couch

10:22:02 PM Ang: him and homework, me and server migration

10:22:14 PM Ang: making love on the couch, the chair and finally making it up to the bed

10:22:16 PM Ang: again another routine

10:22:21 PM Ang: and how i've missed that!!!!!!

10:22:32 PM Ang: and sunday i'd go do my thing, and he'd veg

10:22:38 PM Ang: and then i'd come back and whatever

10:22:54 PM Ang: and thanksgiving - such a wonderful coming out party

10:22:58 PM Ang: finally to be the girl on his arm

10:23:12 PM Ang: to be able to look at him and not have to mask the adoration in my eyes

10:23:27 PM Ang: to be able to snuggle up when the other couples got close

10:23:42 PM Ang: my birthday - i wanted just one present - him. to celebrate us.

10:23:48 PM Tara: that would have been nice to see

10:23:57 PM Ang: december 6th would be 6 months from when this started

10:24:03 PM Tara: he just said flat out no?

10:24:07 PM Ang: yup

10:24:15 PM Ang: he wouldn't even open up his heart to me

10:24:19 PM Ang: he held so stiff

10:24:26 PM Ang: his eyes were cold

10:24:33 PM Ang: he resisted me with everything he had

10:24:41 PM Ang: finally at almost 5am he relented

10:24:46 PM Ang: the softness returned

10:24:51 PM Ang: but i think it was more pity than anything

10:25:00 PM Ang: he's turned his heart cold to me

10:25:39 PM Ang: i think that's pretty much all there is to tell

10:25:47 PM Ang: except that i was also ready to ask about going to christmas with him

10:25:56 PM Ang: he had taken the invitiation back a long time ago

10:26:04 PM Ang: (i was horrified - to think he'd bring the whore home?!)

10:26:09 PM Ang: but i was going to ask

10:26:29 PM Ang: and if he wanted to be home with family and stuff alone, then i was going to go home to heather i think

10:26:50 PM Ang: (somewhere nuetral, "home" is hard since my mom and all)

10:27:04 PM Ang: but he was only going to be gone a short time anyway

10:27:11 PM Ang: and to think! to celebrate new years!

10:27:25 PM Ang: i also had wanted him to go home with me for tday

10:27:32 PM Ang: but he kept wanting to stay here for tramsgiving

10:27:38 PM Ang: and i didn't want to take that away from him

10:27:42 PM Ang: i figured there was plenty of time

10:27:50 PM Ang: the worst has been i've avoided my sister

10:27:56 PM Ang: she and mackenzie keep asking about Gordon

10:28:12 PM Ang: (mackenzie is my neice who he would talk with on skype while i was in NC)

10:28:49 PM Ang: ok

10:28:51 PM Ang: well i think i'm done

10:28:54 PM Ang: that's all there is to tell

10:29:00 PM Ang: my brain is now empty

10:29:02 PM Tara: wait

10:29:05 PM Tara: who is the girl?

10:29:08 PM Ang: i have no idea

10:29:13 PM Ang: but coley thinks it's janny

10:29:21 PM Ang: because he said that it "knew" on sunday

10:29:24 PM Ang: he hung out with a girl

10:29:26 PM Tara: what?

10:29:29 PM Ang: and she was so easy to hang out with

10:29:29 PM Tara: jannygirl>

10:29:30 PM Ang: yeah

10:29:31 PM Ang: i know

10:29:32 PM Tara: what?

10:29:35 PM Tara: she is with dan rubin

10:29:44 PM Ang: but sunday was the night that janny walked with Gordon from coley's place to Gordons

10:29:54 PM Ang: and they hung out and watched tv and ate dinner

10:30:00 PM Ang: which is exactly what Gordon said

10:30:03 PM Ang: he just didn't say who

10:30:09 PM Ang: and "she" is on the east coast

10:30:18 PM Ang: and only has three days off for christmas

10:30:24 PM Tara: that seems crazy

10:30:24 PM Ang: because i asked if he invited her to xmas

10:30:28 PM Ang: it is crazy

10:30:30 PM Tara: dan said he has been chasing her for a year

10:30:39 PM Tara: and was so excited to be dating her

10:30:40 PM Ang: but knowing that his girl is unlikely doesn't make me feel better

10:30:42 PM Tara: he was gushing about her

10:30:46 PM Ang: it's not about how he feels about her

10:30:50 PM Ang: it's about how he feels about me

10:30:52 PM Ang: that he gave up

10:30:56 PM Ang: and didn't give a shit

10:31:01 PM Ang: yeah, dan doesn't know

10:31:02 PM Tara: of course he cares

10:31:03 PM Ang: if it is her

10:31:08 PM Ang: and janny is a player

10:31:12 PM Ang: according to coley

10:31:21 PM Ang: and would have no interest in Gordon

10:31:25 PM Ang: besides "liking" him

10:31:32 PM Ang: a personality like yours and mine

10:31:40 PM Ang: where people think you like them

10:31:44 PM Ang: but you're just being you

10:31:53 PM Ang: i don't hold out hope it's her

10:31:59 PM Tara: but here's the thing, Gordon and you went thru ups and downs. and he waited for you and adores you. he can't just turn that off. no one can

10:32:00 PM Ang: because i don't want to even get wrapped up in that

10:32:27 PM Tara: so maybe he sees somethign else to pay attention to b/c he just needed a break

10:32:41 PM Tara: and maybe it was hard on him when Brian was here.

10:32:47 PM Tara: i mean Brian did stay at your place

10:32:57 PM Tara: and i have no idea about any of this...just guessing. i never talked to him about it

10:33:23 PM Tara: sean even said that it must have been awkward for Gordon to be at your party and see Brian's stuff all in your room

10:33:40 PM Tara: im not saying this to make you feel bad, just trying to understand where Gordon is at

10:33:52 PM Tara: he's probably hurt. maybe doesn't totally trust that you really want just him

10:34:02 PM Ang: i really didn't realize how people would view that until several people asked (separately) where brian was staying

10:34:10 PM Ang: yeah, but i've fucked up big

10:34:25 PM Ang: he said that all of this has just made him want to run essentially

10:34:29 PM Ang: that i wasn't helping

10:34:38 PM Ang: he was so cold

10:34:42 PM Ang: not cold like other people

10:34:45 PM Ang: but cold for him

10:35:05 PM Tara: i dont know him well enough to tell you what to do about this

10:35:11 PM Ang: please don't take this the wrong way, but i even threatened to rape him

10:35:15 PM Tara: i dont know if you should give him space, or keep reminding him how you feel

10:35:26 PM Ang: and he said he would fight me

10:35:32 PM Ang: and i said i would never do that to someone

10:35:44 PM Ang: i left my keys on the stairs

10:35:52 PM Ang: because i knew i couldn't be trusted to stay away

10:35:56 PM Ang: i have these note cards

10:36:02 PM Ang: sticky pad with designs on each page

10:36:06 PM Ang: think hallmark cutiesy

10:36:15 PM Ang: and i thought of putting them on his door

10:36:20 PM Ang: one next to another

10:36:23 PM Ang: but upside down

10:36:29 PM Ang: just to be funny/symbolic

10:36:37 PM Ang: then i thought he'd think i was crazy

10:36:45 PM Ang: i had been busy dreaming up "new" things for us

10:36:53 PM Ang: because i have "used" so many experiences with other people

10:37:01 PM Ang: i guess that's sort of off subject

10:37:06 PM Ang: but just more of how i'd been planning

10:37:14 PM Ang: i couldn't wait

10:37:25 PM Ang: and it didn't really hit me until after the talk with aj

10:37:34 PM Ang: when i was free from every guy and all expectations

10:38:00 PM Ang: and while i thought i totally knew how i felt this weekend

10:38:16 PM Ang: it wasn't until waking up next to brian and wanting him (Gordon) so bad

10:38:28 PM Ang: realizing that he'd completely erradicated all feeling for brian

10:38:47 PM Ang: it was so powerful

10:38:52 PM Ang: and brian knew all of this too

10:39:05 PM Ang: i even had it out with the guy that hurt Gordon the most

10:39:10 PM Tara: well at least you know you are over Brian

10:39:10 PM Ang: it's on my blog what happened there

10:39:14 PM Tara: ok ill read it

10:39:14 PM Ang: i knew before

10:39:20 PM Ang: i just had to do it gracefully

10:39:24 PM Tara: i see

10:39:32 PM Tara: so what are you going to do?

10:39:35 PM Ang: wait

10:39:56 PM Ang: for the past few days it really sucked because Gordon came immediately on wednesday (when he entered)

10:40:01 PM Ang: and it left me with a huge whole

10:40:05 PM Ang: wanting, you know

10:40:11 PM Ang: and now that that's subsided

10:40:14 PM Ang: i can wait

10:40:23 PM Ang: but that fucked with my head so much

10:40:28 PM Ang: hence the rape comment

10:40:29 PM Ang: i think

10:40:30 PM Ang: i don't know

10:40:38 PM Ang: i feel bad about that

10:41:05 PM Ang: i guess i just felt that he'd let me in to his heart, that i could break through his wall if he'd lose those defenses

10:41:13 PM Ang: my sadness moment

10:41:19 PM Ang: to try to use sex to get the guy

10:41:34 PM Ang: i'm so embarrassed

10:41:39 PM Ang: please don't tell anyone that

10:41:46 PM Ang: but i feel so bad so much i've kept from you

10:41:53 PM Ang: but i don't know how to tell the truth

10:42:07 PM Ang: the truth, in as much as the underlying honesty of feelings

10:42:12 PM Ang: so much of it i'm sorting out as i go

10:42:21 PM Ang: i can figure out other people so easy

10:42:27 PM Ang: but i take longer with myself

10:42:33 PM Ang: i don't mean to have mislead you along the way

10:42:38 PM Ang: about how i feel about him

10:42:51 PM Ang: i was honestly mad when you suggested (we were walking one day) that i leave him alone

10:43:04 PM Ang: he was when we were talking about the changes i was watching him make and how i liked all of them

10:43:22 PM Ang: i'm sorry, i must be tiring you

10:43:40 PM Ang: please, be honored that i've held all of this for you

10:43:48 PM Ang: you've really become a friend for me

10:44:01 PM Ang: i'm not sure i know how to really show that stuff

10:44:17 PM Ang: because my friends were all willing to drop me as soon as I was no longer a JW

10:44:26 PM Ang: and its taken alot to redefine what it means

10:45:36 PM Tara: well, i understand that. im trying to figure out the whole friend thing too. its been very hard for me but i think im figuring it out

10:46:07 PM Tara: like i said. i was never mad at you. it was just timing. even if the trammell thing didn't happen, i still would have taken a break

10:46:20 PM Tara: but i should have said to you that despite my off the grid status, i am still available if you need me

10:46:28 PM Tara: friends needing me trumps being off the grid

10:46:37 PM Ang: i think that it's all okay

10:46:44 PM Ang: i might have hidden all of what i felt

10:46:50 PM Ang: if you'd have been available

10:46:56 PM Ang: done the "fuck it" kind of thing

10:47:03 PM Ang: i've never cried so much before

10:47:11 PM Ang: i cried all day friday, and through saturday

10:47:22 PM Ang: i'm not done, but it's just sporadic

10:47:31 PM Ang: like when i got home from shopping

10:47:39 PM Ang: shopping i realized i don't have him to buy for

10:47:45 PM Ang: it's just a shock

10:47:52 PM Ang: i thought we were us still

10:47:59 PM Ang: and we were just taking time so we could start fresh

10:48:02 PM Ang: and there was a moment

10:48:09 PM Ang: he asked me to get togetehr

10:48:35 PM Ang: i thought we were going to have a "serious" conversation

10:48:40 PM Ang: and i asked him to do it that night

10:48:46 PM Ang: (so i wouldn't die waiting)

10:48:52 PM Ang: and he met me, we went to Little Star

10:48:57 PM Ang: I didn't realize it was a date

10:49:11 PM Ang: he made a comment about my not having my period "boding well" for his getting laid

10:49:16 PM Ang: and i realized i was hurt

10:49:24 PM Ang: because thats a reference to sex

10:49:26 PM Ang: not making love

10:49:39 PM Ang: and then he mentioned or clarified about the date somewhere in conversation

10:49:48 PM Ang: and then i realized how horrible and awkard a date it was

10:49:56 PM Ang: because i was waiting for the shoe to drop

10:50:02 PM Ang: and he was evaluating what it's like to date me

10:50:05 PM Ang: i failed that date

10:50:13 PM Ang: we went back to my house and i was morose

10:50:18 PM Ang: it really did feel dead

10:50:19 PM Ang: different

10:50:23 PM Ang: his lips were lifeless

10:50:26 PM Ang: and parched

10:50:37 PM Ang: we stared at each other heads side-by-side on the couch

10:50:41 PM Ang: i was dying inside

10:50:45 PM Ang: but told myself that it was good

10:50:51 PM Ang: that we really could start fresh then

10:50:55 PM Ang: and i waited

10:51:07 PM Ang: i waited for him to call, for us to have a real date

10:51:38 PM Ang: and more than anything i figured he was waiting because the timeline was supposed to go AFTER the housewarming weekend when i made sure brian had "closure"

10:51:53 PM Tara: i see

10:52:04 PM Ang: i don't remember what the point wa

10:52:06 PM Ang: was

10:52:34 PM Tara: you were just saying that you had a lot of emotions over the weekend and really thought about things and you may not have been prepared to share with me then like you are now

10:52:41 PM Ang: oh

10:52:47 PM Ang: well to leave on a good note

10:52:55 PM Ang: so maybe you will be happy somewhat

10:53:21 PM Ang: the moment i knew that he was "the one" -- that there was truly and absolutely no reservation at all that i wanted to be with that man and no one else

10:53:34 PM Ang: it was when you and sean were saying goodbye to Brian

10:53:39 PM Ang: and he and i were in the kitchen

10:53:51 PM Ang: he gave me his patented Gordon hug

10:53:58 PM Ang: that i imagine has a special thing in it for just me

10:54:07 PM Ang: but the one where he picks you up off your feet

10:54:14 PM Ang: (i like watching him hug ali like that)

10:54:22 PM Ang: and he kissed me quickly a couple of times

10:54:27 PM Ang: i wish i had been more responsive

10:54:40 PM Ang: but i didn't want our "first" moment together to be there

10:54:46 PM Ang: in the midst of brian being an ass

10:54:53 PM Ang: and just so brief before he had to go

10:55:02 PM Ang: that night i thought about going over to Gordons house

10:55:04 PM Ang: surprising him

10:55:10 PM Ang: sleeping next to him

10:55:17 PM Ang: i'd missed him so bad for so long at that point

10:55:26 PM Ang: it doesn't feel natural without him by my side

10:55:40 PM Ang: but i make everything happen with us

10:55:45 PM Ang: i've controlled everything

10:55:51 PM Ang: and i didn't want to take that away from him

10:55:53 PM Ang: his choice

10:55:57 PM Ang: to tell me when he was ready

10:56:01 PM Ang: and the "fresh start" was done

10:56:11 PM Ang: if i had

10:56:16 PM Ang: we wouldn't be having this conversation

10:56:33 PM Tara: man, i really hope he gives you guys a chance

10:57:13 PM Ang: me too

10:57:27 PM Ang: i nearly threw up the night i bought the ticket to europe

10:57:40 PM Ang: i hope that that doesn't ruin all chance

10:57:44 PM Ang: the final straw

10:57:54 PM Ang: but i have to go away

10:58:02 PM Ang: i can't respect his wishes sitting here

10:58:05 PM Ang: i need to clear my head

10:58:11 PM Ang: because if this is really over

10:58:16 PM Ang: i really feel like i have nothing

10:58:23 PM Ang: and you know,

10:58:26 PM Ang: i don't regret that

10:58:38 PM Ang: i put my all into being ready for this relationship

10:58:51 PM Ang: i haven't built a life, because it was going to be us building our life togehter

10:59:04 PM Ang: but if it isn't to be i've got a lot of figuring out what i'm going to do

10:59:31 PM Ang: btw, i want you to know

10:59:35 PM Ang: i've never been like this before

10:59:45 PM Ang: i think it comes from that every relationship has ended naturally

10:59:53 PM Ang: of natural evolution of life and romance and love

11:00:11 PM Ang: its easy to come to terms with those things

11:00:20 PM Ang: this is just different

11:00:26 PM Ang: but i guess it's good to have experienced it

11:00:32 PM Ang: nonetheless, let me shut up

11:00:35 PM Ang: thanks for listening

11:00:52 PM Ang: and thanks for holding the truth about my love

11:01:09 PM Ang: i wish i could tell the world

11:01:14 PM Ang: but they just wouldn't understand :)

11:01:56 PM Tara: well i think they would understand that you love someone. And that you needed time to let go of a past love before committing to a new one

11:02:06 PM Tara: that you needed a break in between

11:02:16 PM Tara: but that break included Gordon and i think thats when it got fuzzy

11:02:44 PM Ang: yeah, its strange

11:02:52 PM Ang: i don't know whether to be happy that i did have at least that with him

11:03:01 PM Ang: or wish that it had never happened so it could be different

11:03:10 PM Ang: i've always believed in things as they are

11:03:21 PM Ang: but i just might have found the second regret in my life

11:03:38 PM Ang: well, good night my love

11:03:40 PM Ang: sweet dreams

11:03:47 PM Ang: i am excited to give you your present

11:03:52 PM Ang: but only when you feel better

11:03:58 PM Ang: you have made me happy

11:04:03 PM Ang: that i could share my love/emotion with you

11:04:10 PM Ang: please carry that happiness to bed with you

11:04:16 PM Ang: i know that everything will work out

11:04:24 PM Ang: i just don't have much faith in understanding that right now

11:04:34 PM Ang: but i guess that's the part that friends are for :)

11:04:43 PM Ang: sweet sweet dreams

11:04:47 PM Ang: and love that boy of yors

11:04:48 PM Ang: yours

11:05:02 PM Tara: ok. i hope you can get some sleep. im glad you felt you could share with me.

11:05:18 PM Tara: we can chat more tomorrow about turkey day plans and try to coordinate something

11:05:33 PM Ang: good night

11:05:35 PM Tara: nite!

11:05:36 PM Ang: xoxo

11:05:37 PM Tara: xox

"we're going to give it a go"

Angela [10:20 PM]:
hopefully that is the end of insecurity. and as brian told you "we're giving it a go"

Amy [10:21 PM]:
i actually haven't spoken with brian yet but thats what i assumed

Angela [10:22 PM]:
uh, are you sure?
i mean
brian didn't call you?

I guess someone is still one foot out. How the hell am I supposed to feel secure when I can't even trust things he voluntarily tells me?

crushed

This is the same crushing feeling that broke me in Italy. Knowing that you don’t need me. I miss you and desire you and you’re don’t even know. You replace me with friends and laughter and life. I sit and cry.

That night I realized why you wouldn’t want me. You were right. I was boring. Lifeless. Jealous. A loser with no confidence and no self-esteem. I’m not put together, I don’t have a dazzling smile.

You have plans, and I’m hanging onto a sad friendship that would be better off dead. Nobody wants me. And I understand why. I’m sad, pathetic, and worthless. Brad had it right in the beginning. He was a loser, but I was lower.

I'm pathetic. Dreams are shattered and reality is a darker shade of grey than the Seattle sky.

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

keller

well that really sucks. keller tells brian i've posted photos (which when i posted i knew he'd know immediately) but in a negative light. brian tells me tonight and my first reaction was a little bit of surprise because i had already changed the album title, details, and basically the overall tone. i had originally posted them as a reaction to the hurt and because people who thought i was a cheater in rome. anyone can look at those photos and imagine a little more level playing field. at the very least it leveled my heart.

in any case, i knew last week that keller was not my friend. i IM'ed him and emailed him, and he didn't respond. no, instead he emailed brian and asked for my ticket. charlie needed one. why not ditch the girl? would brian have uninvited me if it weren't for keller? i guess i'll never know because brian's so fucked in the head he couldn't tell the truth one way or another. but i'll always believe we would have gone together... because what he did instead is low class.

what's even worse is the conversation that it motivated. thanks keller. and you didn't even use the ticket. 10 years from now i will remember that. you won't be in my wedding. you did nothing to help us, you were a naysayer.

so in the end - yeah, i shouldn't have sent the email, because i already knew that keller wasn't my friend. a real friend would have helped brian figure out what he really wants, how he really feels, not helping him follow some woman hater script. a real friend would have checked on me to see how i was doing. a real friend would have responded to my IM & email even if to say "I don't know (what the plan with the show is)". a real friend would have seen the photos and emailed me to say, "hey, are you sure you wanna do that because people might think..." But, no, Keller wasn't a real friend. Keller isn't a real friend.

Nothing like a relationship in the lurch to determine who is and isn't.

Oh - and I'm not going to be in a relationship where it can't be completely open and honest. What I did in emailing Keller violated that trust, but it can and will be earned back. There's a reason the law has protection for married couples.

lemonade and rachel

Starting a new post with my positive happy thoughts...

My lemonade is yummy, and as long as there are no crossing paths I'm happy I stopped to get it.

And Rachel called back just as I was walking in to meet Jeremy. Things didn't go as well as she hoped with Giuseppe. We chatted for a moment and she was thrilled with the idea of having me come visit. I now just need to find a ticket for cheap enough. I used to go to the city all the time when I was single. I wish there was some way to figure out how many times I went in those couple of years. (Couple... was it only two?) Last I recall I had gone nine times, but that was a long time ago. In any case, it'll be nice to be with her. She knows exactly how I feel about Brian. She was the last person to see me in love.

Now all I need to do is find a ticket.

fremont and belltown

i had lunch with Jeremy at this barbeque place that was really quite good in Pioneer Square. It was on First and might be called Longhorn or something. They serve sweet tea, which was a perk. Anyway I was then headed to Dad Watson's which was my original intention after my violin lesson, before getting sidetracked to have lunch with Jeremy. I was crusing down First and then passed Cherry Street. Earlier I had considered my old haunt, Uptown Espresso, but I just wasn't in the mood for coffee... I love the tea at Dad Watson's. But lemonade, now that's a whole 'nother thing! I circled the block looking for parking (and in a split moment when making the decision realized that I wasn't quite sure how to get to Fremont from Belltown, I always come the opposite route). I circle all the way around back to a spot in front of the church. Then I start to feel bad. As I pay for my parking I start to feel bad...

Am I on his turf. Is it uncomfortable to be so close? What if he drives right by here? I reason that it's easier to get to Capital Hill later for the show. It's easier to park here. I can't believe I'm going through these thoughts. I can't believe I can't go where I want in this city. But maybe that's the point. Maybe it's not my city, maybe it's his. I used to hang out in Belltown quite a bit before we met. Top Pot, Uptown, Wasabi, Shorties (yuck!), The Waterfront, The Edgewater bar... but somehow now I feel uncomfortable and I'm sitting here thinking of leaving. Cherry Street is on the shady side of the street anyway. It's kind of cold here. Maybe I'll get my 2 hour meters worth out of it and then run.

Is it any wonder I can't stand the thought of staying if we're not together. Who'd get what neighborhoods in the breakup? I claim dibs on Fremont but, he's had a longer claim than I have even if I spend more time there lately. UW is obviously mine with no debate. Cap Hill would be mine. But I guess I'd have to give up Belltown. Sorry - I'd put up a fight for that. But not today, it's too windy and cold.

Damn it. I was in a great mood too. I should have turned off 1st in Pioneer Square. I never should have driven through here. And I shouldn't be sitting here now. I think I'd have a heart attack if he wandered across me. Geez, this is messed up isn't it?

you

it's a shame that this was written because he had given me some horrible news and i was locked, crying in the bathroom. but maybe if you can get past the first line then you can see why i believed in us.


Angela,

Never in my life have I ever been so ashamed. Truly, honestly, I have no idea what happened – but I can promise to you it meant nothing. For the first time in my entire life I finally have a treasure who has entered into it – someone with energy, character, charisma, intelligence, and more. The list of your positive traits goes on and on, but more importantly to me is that you make me a better person, make me strive to be a better person, to be the best person I can possibly be for you. I do this because I am in love with. I don’t love you – it is so much deeper, I can honestly say I am in love with you – when I go to sleep I think of you. When I’m at work and stressed, I think of you, when I’m lonely I wish I was with you – there is nothing more that I want in my life then you – you are the end all and the be – my whole perspective on everything has changed. I look at going out with friends differently, I look at other couples differently because I wonder if what they have is as wonderful as what I have with you – you are so special it is amazing. I look at other women differently – I think about them in terms of what you would say… You are the tops, the most beautiful, most amazing, most caring, most adoring person a guy could have in his life. I am blessed to have you in my life – I am the happiest I have been in many many years.

I had to sit down and write this because I didn’t know what to do – my mind is spinning uncontrollably right now - -the fact I hurt you for no reason, for no explanation and for NO meaning – that kills me inside, I want it to go away, I would do anything. The fact you are in there right now, not wanting to be with me when all I want to do is hold the person who I love and cherish from the bottom of my heart, with every ounce and ability I have inside me right now, to grovel on my knees to let you feel how much I love you – you can feel it – you can see it – you know it – it emanates from me – it consumes me – and I LOVE IT.

sleeping with the enemy

it's funny how when you're in the groggy state of sleep that you're trying to shake off that it seems things get shaken around a bit in your head and pieces fall together to form interesting thoughts... sometimes they're odd images of nonsense, and sometimes it's shocking what you come up with.

since the wilco show danni and keller have been doing wall-to-wall flirting which shows up on my news feed. i haven't had time to figure out how to filter some of this stuff away. i also know that tim sneath has a green card and jeff sandquist is going to fry's. i guess that is why danni was in my mind. and then i thought about keller knowing and him not knowing that danni doesn't know...

then i realized wait a minute.

he slept with her best friend.
danni == justin

but while justin claims it didn't happen or doesn't remember (therefore it wasn't intentional) and i don't know what the fuck happened and how...

they did it knowing, intentionally and on going.

funny how i forget the worst things about brian growing up. i remember the incident with the lawsuit in school (which wasn't a him thing) but i forget that in the grand scheme of things he'd better drop it.

just to make sure i'm not still groggy and missing something, i'm going to go through this to be sure.

mariana and he were broken up.
so where we
but was it different?
no, she loved him and thought they were just broken up for distance sake

• proof points: brian flew her out to Seattle at least once on his dime. he hid me from her long after we'd been seeing each other. he knew better than to bring danni anyway around, but not enough about women's intuition than to hide the flowers.

they still hooked up after and during this going on, he was sleeping with her and her best friend
differences: brian did it knowingly, ongoing, and would never have told her. be based not telling her on his perspective of the relationship knowing that wasn't the shared truth.

when this first happened, he said something about telling mariana because she would probably enjoy it. he's right. in her eyes justice was served.

i have no heart to make conclusions. i'm just happy to know that justin claims it didn't happen or has absolutely no memory of it. and i'm not much better. but we were broken up, he broke up with me, and it didn't happen like brian did with danni. i'm not like that. i may not be redeemed, but i'm certainly not worse than him.

and i would never wish any of brian's past doings on himself. i don't think he's strong enough to survive what he's done to others. i would rather protect him and see him be a better person. that was the best statement he's every made about me, that he's a better person with me.

therapy

you know i haven't been proud of how i've been feeling lately. so lost, so desparate, so angry, so abandoned, so unloved. most of all i haven't been proud of how felt like it wasn't worth living if brian had given up on me. on us.

but the end of that last post shocks me. i can't believe what i wrote. sure, janice takes the week of the week i have something to start talking about! it made me think of how much no one really knows. of the fear i used to live with. how i used to hate that there weren't any bruises. it wasn't bad enough for anyone to help, but enough to destroy me. i've known for a long time that justin reminded me of brad. that attitude.

i feel like it's the worst idea to write this, but i wish that i could have vengence. i couldn't comprehend what was going on then, but i can now. why did i shrink back in fear? i could have stopped it. i could have destroyed him. and it's funny, what brad did to me doesn't seem as bad. i'd prefer that to what justin did. brad only did that to me once.

i guess i don't spend alot of time thinking back (haha, i just broke from my tears that were about to start when i realized that brian hates when people write "a lot" as "alot". god i love him. i've tried so hard to fix that error after he casually mentioned it once!)

what was my point? i guess that i don't spend a lot [sic] of time thinking back because it's so bad. it's a nightmare i lived. but i don't know that i learned a grander lesson from it. sure i don't think i'll ever let a guy threaten me physically anymore, but that's not because i hit back, it's because i won't get into that situation. i'll walk away. fact is i'm scared shitless of being fucked up by some guy. of finally getting the shit kicked out of me the way i've always feared. but you can't always protect yourself from getting into the situation. i could get mugged, and i guess i would just let it happen. i think that's different, but still. point is, i walked right into this mess thinking i was safe. and when it came down to it i just let it happen to me. i'm just like my mother. i remember her telling me when i was young that she just let it happen because it was easy than fighting back and arguing with her brother over whether or not his friend just raped her. i'm not better than my mother.

i think i might find a self defense class. but what i really want is the ability to devastate some mans ability to ever think of having children the next time someone comes anywhere near crossing the line. i fucking dare them. but see that's just how it works. you have to be sure he's warranted it, because you can't take it back. it reminds me of what my dad told matthew once when matt was pissed. he said "hit me. but make it count, kid. you'd better lay me out because you only have one shot." i imagine that's the gist of it. that's why i never fought back.

i remember one night putting a knife under my side of the bed. brad found it. that's the night the gouge was put in the kitchen wall. i held to the knife with all my might because i knew at that point it was a stupid idea because now i was fucked. he pinned me to the wall (why do i still remember so vividly the colors of those walls?) and kept smashing my wrist against the wall. i remember being afraid on two accounts then... not only what he'd do to me after he got it free from my hand, but also that it would fall to my feet and i wasn't wearing shoes, and there was alot of skin along the way. i don't remember the end of the story. i probably begged. i don't know. i think that was the same night that i had written the poem below.

truth be told, i don't want to work through this shit, i just want to be protected and forgiven. i don't want to turn these stories over in my head, analyze them, look for flaws in my behaviors, figure out what caused what, and all that. it's a life i can't even picture as being mine. and i lived it for four years. i just want to forget.

but i want to learn how to hurt a man. there is a movie i've always secretly liked. it's with jennifer lopez and it's called "enough". and there is an older one with julia roberts called "sleeping with the enemy", but that one didn't strike me as much as enough did.

okay. i feel slightly better. i'm not raging inside. i'm exhausted. i think i'm taking a sleeping pill again tonight. olivia suggested sleeping on the couch... apparently that's why i slept so well while my brother was here. apparently it's because it feels like someone is sleeping beside you.

oh, and on that note, i'll have to note that for all that brad did to me after i was rid of him the hardest thing to do was to sleep alone. i guess that is what i'm going through again. at least i'm not my mother. she knew that he was never coming back.

i'm so tired.

October 1999, Lest it should be forgotten.

I sit here in the dark. I feel pretty much nothing inside.
You are in a better place, but without me.
I don't know what to say or do.
I can't leave because you won't let me live without you.

Death is not an option until Life is a reality. How can you die until you've lived?
I wonder if I will be here, and it'll all be the same, many years from now.
I wonder if we'll get a divorce and move on apart from each other.

I really can't see a future, can you?
I can't see one day when we'll have kids.
I can't see one day when our brothers and sisters return.
I can't see one day when the sun shines on us together.
I can't see one day when you dance with me.
I can't see one day when our children are born.
I can't see one day when they grow up.
I can't see one day when someone else's life continues becomes more important than our own.
I can't see one day when you smile lovingly down at my face.
I can't see one day when my dad is alive.
I can't see one day when we live.
I can't see one day when we live forever.

I don't want it to be like this. But there seems to be a problem bigger than us.
But, you can't fix a something that isn't broken.
And you don't think that there's anything broken.

How do you love someone who isn't themselves?
How do you love someone who isn't alive?
How do you love someone who doesn't notice?
How do you love someone who doesn't reply?
I want to believe in us, but there doesn't seem much to believe in.
I want to believe in God, but noone seems to be out there.
I want to believe in love, but there is only hate.
I want to believe in you, but you don't seem to care.

What ever happened to when we used to talk, together?
What ever happened to when we used to cry, together?
What ever happened to when we used to laugh, together?
What ever happened to when we used to work, together?

I try so hard to look forward.
But to what?
I try not to look back,
but you do.

More and more we gain, less and less we have.
Other people envy us.
They think we're so great.
How they would love to have someone like us,
and to love and to take.
But if only they really knew,
if only they cared.
But no one bothers,
no one dares.

Who wants to admit that something is broken,
Who wants to admit a three-cord bond that is torn?
Who wants to help when evil befalls us,
who wants to carry us thru the storm?
But up to us it is, to make it thru.
Up to us it is, to practice the things we should do.

But so far away the days seems to fade.
So far away when it all seemed so clear.
So here I sit, and there you are.
At the meeting, so close but so far.

What does it take to feel again?
What does it take to live again?
What does it take to avoid death at the end?
This letter, like all, it must end.

Do you fear death, my love, losing my life?
Do you fear the pain in my Mom's eyes?
Do you fear answering to why I wasn't happy?
Do you fear trying to pretend it hasn't happened?

One day I will be gone.
One day you won't notice.
One day I will be gone.
And no one will notice.

You've lost me so far.
They've all lost me so far.

They say when God seems far away
you should guess who moved.
I guess I've moved, and he doesn't know my forwarding address.
A friend who doesn't write,
but cares all the same?

Why doesn't someone stop me,
from this life that I live?
Why doesn't someone love me,
from this hate that I give?
When does it all end?

I picture my head, my hair a mess and bloody...
you accidently pushed too hard, and I hit it on the corner of the bed.

I picture my baby, laying in the toilet.
You pushed too hard, and hurt my stomach.

I think it's better this way.
That I die so others may live.

Don't worry I won't kill myself,
I have someone else to do that for me.

tonight

tonight i went to happy hour with Kei and Chris. my heart goes out to Kei every time. and it was funny to see that chris had put so much weight on (you can see it in his face). i did manage to get five tickets for all us to Young Frankenstein.

i was sitting there at seven when i checked my phone to find out that i had missed meeting up with Olivia. i had had it scheduled for tomorrow, and inadvertantly stood her up. i paid my bill and raced over to the spa to meet her.

afterwards we went to the mall, and she had me go into Tiffany's and another jewlery store. she wanted to see watches (for paul) and necklaces and earrings. nobody but me knows, but shes buying us the amazing three diamond necklaces and matching earrings. the necklaces are almost $700 each. i didn't see how much the earrings are. when she told me i told her that they are amazing, but that we love her and that nobody expects that... that if she needs to cut back that they should be the first to go! (she isn't thinking of it, but thought i could help...) i guess i'm just stunned. no one, no one, has ever been so generous to me before. i don't own jewelry that expensive, let alone a friend spending over a $1,000 on me! i'm stunned and humbled.

we went from there to ann taylor where i ordered $300 worth of shoes to find one pair that might work. i don't know why, but they are all $100+ a pair. that's as much as the dress... but oh well, its nothing compared to what she's spending. then the lady at the counter said that i could have free shipping if i had an ann taylor card. well, brian owns the card. i looked over at olivia and then realized that it was just easier to call. so i broke the pact and called brian to get his social security number so they could look up the card. then i was just flabbergasted. he was so warm and happy and friendly and easy going. it kills me. my heart wonders if he is reaching out to me, if he misses me. then there is the insecure cynical me that "realizes" that he's just giving me the nice guy routine, or treating me as a friend, as in here's my effort because i don't love you anymore but we can still be friends, right?

olivia and i went to sushi and reed called. he had texted a couple of times tonight. oli and then went upstairs for a bit and i made her tea. she left just before 11 so i could get on this crazy late night conf call i'm on right now.

so yeah, i tried hard to not think of brian today, but i saw him pulling into the garage... i looked right past him, but his face went from a huge smile to flat when he turned and saw me. and then he left his laptop sitting on the table in the conference room as we were all leaving and i had to try so hard not to care, to go over and collect his things or call and see if i should grab it for him. i mean, reasonably, he wasn't far, but still it was in me to take care of it, of him.

also i stopped this morning on the way into the office to get a mini bottle of advil or tylenol for my purse because brian has said several times lately (and boy it kills every time) that real women always carry pain medicine. well it came in handy because miwa needed some and i had it for her. as she sat down (on the other side of Brian across the aisle) she thanked me and i smiled at her, and realized that brian was looking thinking that maybe i meant him. i think he figured out that i was looking past him, but it just sucked and at the same time maybe it made him feel good for a moment that i was smiling so genuinely, and then crushed to realize it wasn't for him.

i have to say i feel bad that i wanted him to hurt, but i think in reflection it's just that i wanted him to realize that he cared. that he cared that my smile wasn't for him, and maybe there would be a moment where he wished it were for him.

okay, his name has been mentioned several times now in this call. i can't escape him!

moving on - ok, so i'm planning out my time, both until the end of the month (i'm not going to assume that brian will be done then, but it's a starting point to plan against) and through the end of september when i start my final quarter as a graduating senior.

mike texted earlier. i called him back after olivia left. he was waiting to board. he said he'd be there for the next hour, but i think he'll have boarded already. honestly i'd rather not talk to him tonight, i'd rather just stick with my sad thoughts about brian.

oh, tonight made me realize just how much i distrusted brian's intentions. he bought me the gift certificate from gene juarez (where i started tonight with olivia) and then he comes with a necklace (and i was there too... and said to her that i could never imagine him in there, she said paul or omar either, and i smiled to myself when i realized i could picture him in there far more than them; an odd kind of pride). i don't know why guys buy gifts when they feel bad or they've hurt you. its so sad. why couldn't he have bought me lingerie when he thought i was irresistable?! or a necklace when he still thought that he was going to marry me?

separately on another tangent it bothers me that i have yet, in our entire relationship, found a meaningful gift for him. i just found one for eilon - but brian, nope. i know that the cabinet was really thoughtful and that it rocks (from a functionality, duration of giving back kind of way) but that's like getting a vacuum cleaner... or not quite as bad.

last night, did i mention, that i hurried home hoping that he hadn't tried coming over after the show and gave up because i wasn't there? i don't know. but i did. i'm so pathetic. i just love him and want to huggle and snuggle and love him.

i know it's the right thing to give him time and space, but i've felt so unloved (and boring) for so long that i don't know how long i can hang on. i'm afraid the spirit of our love will have died inside me. at this point it's all i can do. it just has hurt for so long that i think it's burned my heart leaving a few embers in ashes.

i think this is why we keep going as we do. classic us is to get back together again, but neither of us has enough constitution to stick out necks out and give more and love until the other can love back. we're both just too freaking scared and we hobble along until someone gives up and backs up again and then we start the next roller coast dive.

what i wouldn't give for security. how ironic that i felt most secure when i was in actuality the most insecure.

oh well. who knew i'd be looking forward through the end of summer to school just so i could dive in again. it'll carry me to the new year, and then i can do whatever i want or need to do.

oh, i have an interview being set up. i'm not certain i really want to - it might really mess with the little clarity i'm trying to work on, but i guess it's not bad to continue furthering my options.

when i called rachel she was at dinner (she's just gotten back from india) and hasn't called me back. i checked out flights today, and like mike know that i was thinking of going. that worries me, i think that i need to establish what seems to be a foregone conclusion, but i'm really tired of thinking i'm safe and that i know where things stand and being slapped in the face. he's supposed to be back in seattle mid-september or so anyway, so maybe i'll just do a weekend with rachel and then see him on my own turf.

oh, another side note. i have a perverse daydream of what i'd do to the next guy who tries to take advantage of me in some way. i think about all the options, and i'm working up my mental imagery so i can see it through if ever given (or i should say when i'm given) the opportunity to see my daydream in reality. i think i had a breakthrough moment when i realized that i am afraid of fighting back, of what "he" might do (whoever he should be) to me. i guess it goes back to being fearful of brad, but to be honest i feel like it could be a relief to be hit or something. no body feels sorry for the girl who was taken advantage of who doesn't have bruises... she should have fought back. let me castrate you mother fucker and then you can knock me fucking in the face. i'll have my day.

rome and meaningful people

So as I was reading through the earliest posts the other night (because as a dumb ass I broke my privacy of years and gave this URL to Brian... what was i thinking?!) I came across a post from 2002 where I mention considering moving to Rome with Shelly. Two thoughts struck me at once. First, who in the hell is Shelly? And second, I wanted to move to Rome? I hadn't even visited for the first time yet!

So here I am thinking I want to write about Mike. Maybe Mike will be a meaningless name one day just as Shelly is, and if that's the case I want to have record of how he impacted my life.

Tuesday of a week ago I was hanging around in Fremont waiting on Mat to get off work so I could apologize for ditching him the previous week. We had made loose plans (albeit when he'd be drinking and he's not had a good track record of reliability) to hang out on Tuesday night. At about 7:30 I decided to give up as I hadn't heard from him, and started walking back to my car parked in the usual locale in Belltown. I was hungry and realized I should take advantage of the choices before going back to the Eastside. This is how I ended up at Wasabi Bistro.

Side story: Incidentally, the day prior while I was at the gym, I thought of Josh McBride and how I should look him up to work out again, and hell, to hang out since I'm amping up my social life in the short time I have before school starts again...

As the waitress is leading me to my seat at the bar, who do I see but Josh sitting there with the most amazing looking model/actress like woman. I don't know where he finds these girls! We chat for a few minutes, promise to call, and then I head to my seat. For some reason the waitress sat my things next to a single guy at the bar. There was an empty seat on the other side of him, and one at the end of the bar next to my menus. I debated quickly whether it was better to move the menu gracefully down a seat to the end, or just take where I was seated next to this guy. I realized that I would end up chatting him up as another solo diner, so sucked it up and took the assigned seat. We started chatting immediately and had a lot of fun with our conversation. (And I got my sushi first!) I didn't have a drink, but at this point was still a little bummed from having lost my plans for the evening, so when he finished wolfing down dessert I asked if he'd like to join me at Black Bottle, making it clear that it was just a friendly invitation, and offered to drive him down to his ferry after. He accepted, and off we went. There was just enough time for one drink there, and then I dropped him off. He got my email so we could continue our "interesting" conversation as penpals and then he mentioned he'd be back in Seattle tomorrow either way, leaving it open for me to respond. I said if he'd be interested I'd show him some of the stuff we'd talked about, most being restaurants.

I was in a brilliant mood because I remembered this being like the amazing life I used to have. Meeting random people, and feeling as though I was sparkling. It was like I was back in Rome. Vitality restored. I called Brian, and he wasn't home yet (phone went to voicemail) and then I got the great idea to drop by and rip the CD for him (I bought the new Brandi Carlile at Swerve on my walk to Wasabi from Pike's). So I raced upstairs, popped it in, left a postit note and got the hell outta there. Johnny said both "hi" and "bye", he was smiling at my sing-song voice and happy face. As I was pulling around the corner of Brian's building he called... we must have missed each other in the elevators. It left an awkward conversation, where I didn't know what I should do. The confident Angela never would have pulled to the side, I would have stuck to the plan, but unfortunately I'm not that girl right now. I'm dying for his affection, his love, his validation, his anything. I would give anything for him to smile on me, my own personal sunshine. Anyways, I don't really need to remember the end of that portion of the story or how it made me feel, so moving on...

The next night I pick up Mike and we head to Lake Union's Blue Water for drinks. Conversation picks up just where it left off... I don't remember tons of details about what we talked about, but it was just fun easy going conversation like two young kids in grade school goofy to slightly more serious stuff. That night I tell a little of the story about Brian and I. We change venues to go to Thai Tom's for dinner, and I learn that he's a Republican. It strikes me as funny because I realize that that means something to me now. (Indication of how much I've changed in the past several years.) Dinner was good, then we head to the "cozy, like it gives you a hug when you sit down" place on Captial Hill, Bleu, for after-dinner-prior-to-dropping-him-off-to-go-see-the-boys-drinks. (Yaffe was in town.) I had one lemon drop, and then he ordered a second round, and then we bolted for the ferry. He missed the ferry, Brian told me that there was no reason to come over, and I had to pee. I killed time with him while he waited for the next ferry (which wasn't until 12.50am!) and actually fell asleep. The next day we met up again (which only happened because I had my violin lesson) though I was feeling pretty miserable. I think I had an allergic reaction or something, because in total I had 4 drinks in 6 hours, with a big dinner. He headed to the airport, and I thought, well that was cool.

I was surprised, not entirely, but still, surprised when he called from Hawaii (this is all business travel) and each day since. I don't think there's a day we have chatted at least briefly. He's this weird buddy who reminds me of a golden retriever while not in a way that makes him pitiful. He's a solid single guy who's attractive, dresses well, makes good money, and has a great personality. He's also Republican and Baptist with an Alabaman southern accent living in Cleveland. He reminds me of how much I'm in love with Brian. Oh, sure, he thinks I'm a moron and he's a big naysayer for my own good. But looking at him I know that I love Brian. Just as in Italy with Marano, I have no desire, and the thought of dating him. Yag thought he sounded perfect, and that's when it hit me that it just isn't. Brian's the one for me. Sure I can see positive qualities in other people. I can look at people and appreciate "he's hot" or recognize feeling fantastic like I should with Brian. But it's not something I want, I want Brian. I love Brian. I want to find that again with him. It's all I've wanted since we first went astray... when we first met and broke each others hearts before we could even admit that we were just right.

So that's the story of Mike. I'm happy he's in Cleveland, because I don't need him getting any ideas, but somehow I'm sure that it's not about that for him either. We're two nearly genderless people who can provide a virtual shoulder in a hectic world. And he knows that I love Brian despite as much as he's trying to kick me to the curb. And somehow I think he doesn't judge me for that... he just does his best to understand and reason with me.

So I don't know who Shelly is, and maybe 5 years from now I won't remember who Mike was. But it's nice to have people come in and out of your life to be there when you need them.

And Andrea? Well that's another story. I think it kills him to see me in so much pain. I don't talk to him right now because I think he can't reconcile the girl he knew in Rome with the one I am here at home. Frankly I have a hard time doing the same. It's just insane to see how insecurity wrecks the soul, your confidence, your self-esteem... your sparkle.

I can have Rome here. I know it. And now I know that I have to, even if it means that I lose the love I have sought for so long. Because if I don't, why would he want me anyway?

It's nice to know I have support, I have friends. They are friends I've known all less than six weeks, but they are my friends. And anyone who would question that, well, they don't me.

This is my life. I remember this.

Now to meet friends for happy hour!

i just remembered...

one of the most awesome things about being single - traveling on a whim! i'm looking at tickets for two weeks out.

side note:
had coffee with a friend this morning and after chatting he told me about a choice he made for a girl. he asked if brian would ever do the same for me. i realized i had just posted about that (was it last night?). but's that's not really what i'm about. i know what brian is about, i've known from the beginning. i'm not going to try to have him compromise his career to take care of my needs. at the same time, i'd like to think that i take care of (or remain aware of) my own, but it's a choice i make to be with him. i believe that one day there will be time for more travel, or living somewhere with some god damn sunshine. but hey, to be with brian means being in seattle. so i guess the answer is no, but i think maybe one day. but either way, i'm no dummie.

joy

i just got back from eilon's place and i'm so elated. it looks so fantastic, he has a real home. it's cozy and wonderful and amazing. you will be or would be so proud. i was beaming with pride and it was so very hard not to call you and tell you about it. when i experience joy and happiness, i want to share it with you.

i've decided that i'd rather feel happy than sad. that i'd rather not sit here and 'wait' miserably. that may be harder than i imagine at this point, but i'm going to try.

if i can be happy without you, then surely i could be happy with you if we are together again. and if we aren't then it only helps that i've moved on and found my own happiness.

i just have to swallow the lump in my throat when i realize all the things that i want to share with you, and that i can't... i must move on. i think that's what you want me to do. this isn't our summer. you warned me in the spring, and i've been in denial ever since. besides, you don't even appreciate summer or even Dave like i do. so it's okay, you wouldn't get it anyway.

today it's been rolling around in mind what you said last night (was that only last night, it seems like so much has moved inside me). you said that you used to find me irresistable. you couldn't resist me.

i know i can be that again.

Come see

I swear by now

I'm playing time against my troubles

I'm coming slow but speeding

Do you wish a dance and while

I'm in the front

The play on time is won

But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way

And find my own way out

I won't tell you to stay

But I'm coming to much more

Me.

wilco

are you thinking of me? do you miss me? or at least just feel a little sad that i'm missing it?

i feel oddly content, sad, and just thinking of you. hoping you're having a good time, and feeling that warm feeling of love. and hoping that maybe, just maybe, you think of me at least for one small moment fondly.

on the other hand, it would kill to know you didn't think of me at all, or that you did and you were glad i wasn't there or that it was with a bad thought.

i wish i wouldn't have told you that i didn't miss you when you called. that wasn't the truth, i just didn't know any better. the truth is that i had missed you. and then let go of you.

the backstory

they say first you get mad, then you get even.

not me.

i get mad, frustrated and hurt all in one devastating ball that usually comes with a runny nose that needs blowing.

and it's usually, or at least lately, because i'm feeling pretty stupid about something.

the backstory on last night...

on sunday night i was shopping online for folding lawn chairs so i could pick up two for the show, to surprise brian.

the day before that i cleaned my house and organized things and made it pretty and neat... just in case brian was going to spend the night after the show. (it needed it anyway, but it was specifically to please him)

and you want to know the sad thing? i would give anything to have him show up to sleep in my bed tonight.

[reflection: one night two weeks ago he showed up after a dinner and said that he wasn't planning on spending the night. i smirked to cover the pain that he'd lie, that he couldn't tell the truth. the truth is he packed a bag before he left his house... unless he planned on staying at someone else's house?!]

another side note: jana spoke of him coming to north carolina, i thought that was this week... if so, i take a little bit of comfort in the fact that she didn't know that he'd changed his mind. course if he did go, i don't think i could handle it. what does your heart do when its already broken...? just break into smaller pieces until its dust? i guess that's true. i guess that's how you stopping love someone else.

i worry that when/if we get back together again that he won't be able to love me in a way so as to convince me that he really is there and invested. that he really wants to be with me. that he chooses me. that he is committed to me, to us.

after all that we've gone through and will have been through, what can you do to start fresh? how do you symbolize a new beginning?

does he know that he's going to have to come to me? does he know that he has all the power? does he know he holds my heart in his hand as it bleeds to death?

i thought he knew that i was waiting for him to claim me as his girl again before i left for italy. i think that was even in writing somewhere.

maybe he really didn't want to... maybe he thought about it and didn't realize he wanted me until after i was gone.

why would you be so careless about such a special thing?

all our relationship has been built upon how very god damn technical he is about everything. remember the arguments over whether we were dating or seeing each other? when did he first call me his girlfriend?

technically we've been broken up since april, friday the thirteenth.